The Year Mark...

I’ve had several widow friends ask me for ideas regarding how to mark the anniversary of their spouse’s DOD, date of death. My typical answer is usually “Whatever comes natural.”

Last year when I was approaching the first anniversary of Rebecca’s death I wanted to just ignore it—pretend that I was unaffected. As the days approached however I couldn’t help but recall the roller coaster of emotions that I was feeling the previous year on the days leading up to Rebecca’s eventual death. I remembered hearing those words from the doctor that Rebecca had slipped into a coma while being transported to UCSF and that she wasn’t going to make it. Still I held to the belief that I would be able to ignore that date, September 29. Sure enough though on the evening of September 28th the anxiety was building up far too much and I knew exactly what I needed to do to appease my grief.

Early the next morning I packed my bag, got a sitter for the kids and headed to San Francisco. I wasn’t sure what exactly I was going to do but I wanted to be in the place where Rebecca was when she actually died. I drove the whole way up there, about a 3 hour drive, unsure of what I was doing. It was like an automatic response. I wanted to walk those same steps of the hospital where I paced back and forth on the 13th floor bewildered with what I should do. I wanted to eat the same crappy food in the hospital cafeteria. I wanted to walk up and down Parnassus Ave. I wanted to go and pray in the small grove of trees west of the hospital where the UCSF student housing was. It’s hard to say what I was looking for. Perhaps I just wanted to cling to those last few moments that I was able to hold Rebecca’s hand. I’m not sure. It was just what I felt like I needed to do.

After I got there I walked the places I wanted to, eat the food I wanted to, and did what I wanted to. All of that was done in about 30 minutes. I sat in the hospital cafeteria eating my salad and pie asking myself (and Rebecca), “Now what?” That was when I decided that I wanted to take flowers and notes of appreciation to the staff on the 13th floor. Throughout the first year after Rebecca had passed I felt very strongly that despite the fact that Rebecca was unconscious during her whole stay at UCSF she was always appreciative of the kindness and grace that the hospital staff offered to her and me. With that thought in mind I walked down the street to a flower shop, bought 3 large bouquets of flowers and a fist full of Thank You cards. I wrote personal cards to Dr Chung and Dr Peters. I wrote personal cards to the 3 nurses who cared for Becca directly. Then I wrote one to the entire ICU staff.

I took the flowers and cards to the person at the front desk on the 13th floor. I was so overcome with grief that I muttered a few words, handed her the stuff and walked away sobbing like a fool. I figured once she saw the cards it would all be self-explanatory for her and what she should do. I walked away feeling like whatever I just did, I was finished. So, I jumped in my truck and drove home.

I felt like I would make that an annual event. Then this year came. I couldn’t make the drive up there today but tomorrow I will make the trek to San Francisco. Once again I will offer some flowers and chocolate covered almonds as a token of my appreciation. Hopefully it will help the staff to realize while they can’t save everyone I, personally, will forever be grateful for the kindness they showed my wife during her last few day of her mortal probation.