Subtle Reminders

I’m always surprised when certain subtle events occur that seem to bludgeon my emotional well-being to remind me that I am still grieving.

This past week I was delivering to a retirement community. As I was driving through I saw an older couple, probably in their 80’s walking out of the main recreation center for this community. They were holding hands and talking. It would have been obvious to any observer that the man was genuinely interested in what the woman had to say. She was his queen and even at…however many of years together, they still loved each other and enjoyed the other's companionship. I couldn’t help but think, that was supposed to be Rebecca and I.

Now I’m certain that should I decide to remarry that I will take whomever I chose and treat them as my queen and love them as they should be. However, I can’t help but always think of Rebecca. We had such a great friendship that even when we faced difficulties at home we could often laugh and just enjoy being with one another. She was a dear friend and I can honestly say that during our 9 years of marriage, I never tired of her. I always found her deeply fascinating and looked forward to exploring new thoughts and ideas together. That friendship is what I worry most about finding again. It felt so unique and perfect that I wonder if it can be duplicated. Our personalities were just a wonderful union.

Why I do this:

Today was the first time that I attempted hot rollers in my daughter’s hair. I feel proud that I am able to do that for them. Rachel likes braids and so I’ve learned to do a variety of braiding hairstyles for her. Lauren likes other hairstyles like curls (I’ve done soft curlers in the past), the French wrap, a single French braid is acceptable, styles like that. I feel so glad that I can do these simple things for my children. Since Rebecca died I’ve had a variety of circumstances arise where my children and I have felt limited due to the fact that I am a single parent. Shortly after Rebecca’s death I decided that I wanted to learn better how to perform some of the things that I relied on her for. I didn’t want to slip into a typical widower mode of, chopping my girls’ hair, fast food every night and just general sloppiness. It would be easy to fall into that, in fact some weeks I do and I think most people expect it. In general though, I have worked painstakingly hard to try and make sure my kids don’t feel somehow inadequate.

This past summer when I took my kids on our long road trip, one day we decided to stop in Canon City, Colorado. We went there because it is home to what used to be the world’s highest suspension bridge, about 1,000 feet high. There was an aerial tram that traversed the canyon and there was a medium sized amusement part surrounding the bridge. It sounded fun so we went. In one part of the park there was a petting zoo and an area that you could ride a mule. The kids were excited to ride the mule. As we got to the front of the line I told the lady I had 3 children. She said they could go one at a time but in order to ride the mule you need to have 2 parents there, one to guide the mule and the other to stand next to the child as they rode along. I stood there for a moment perplexed about how to respond. As I turned to look for the kids the girls wondered to the fence to look at the animals to pet while Elijah had disappeared. I looked in all directions and he was nowhere to be seen. I started walking around the area and couldn’t find him. After about 3-4 minutes of looking I finally found him. I guess when the woman in charge of the mules said that you need to have 2 parents present it just struck a chord with him. He immediately turned and ran to hide so people wouldn’t see him cry. He said, “Dad, I don’t have two parents anymore so I can’t do things.” I tried to tell him that we could find someone to help us but he didn’t want to hear that. He wanted his mother.

Why do I bring this story of Elijah up? Well, there are some things that I can’t do because I’m a single parent; however there are many that I can. I’ve realized that while I miss Rebecca and long for the day that I see her again, I am not totally helpless. I don’t have to helplessly wait for a woman to come along and rescue my children and I from our misfortune. I have learned the true meaning of Philippians 4:13.