Thoughts on Remarriage

Many people have asked me if I plan on remarrying. I suppose on an abstract/theoretical sense remarriage is a possibility. I have been on a few dates since Rebecca died and even had a pretty good time. However I find on the practical level the idea or remarriage scares me. It scares me for several reasons really. First and foremost I think about my children. I have to be practical and remember that while for Elijah there will be some memories of his mother, for my girls the memories will be very limited. So, this means that should I decide to marry again, the woman that I marry will have to be a mother to my children. This is not a divorce situation where a father figure (or mother in this case) can kind-a/sort-a be floating around in the background with occasional support payments. This woman will have to be the mother that my children will know and look to for love and guidance. She will have to be the one to teach my girls about their female….body/system. She will be the one to help my girls through preparing for marriage. She will have to be willing to care for my grandbabies as her own. She will essentially take on every aspect as a mother figure to three young children in an instant. This is no small task and will require a tremendous amount of work, patience and love.

Additionally, I have to be married to this woman. There is a reason that second marriages (both for widowed and divorced people) have a 70% failure rate. It is tough!! When I married Rebecca I wasn’t very experienced in relationships. Sure, I dated many girls but I think the longest relationship I ever had was about 3-4 months. I’d like to think that I was just better at sifting through the girls that weren’t very…interesting but who really knows. The truth of the matter is that I had no idea how rude, backstabbing, gossipy and just flat out mean girls can be (I’m not saying all girls are like this). Rebecca had told me about some of her friends and how purposely mean they were to their husbands. I usually just shrugged it off for the most part and would say something like, “That’s why I didn’t marry any of your friends.” Now though, as I’ve started to deal with woman on a different plane, I’m starting to be confronted with some of these characteristics. Anyone who knows me would know that I don’t do very well when people are mean. I don’t take kindly when people are purposely hurtful or vindictive. Since Rebecca’s death, I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being verbally abused, gossiped about, lies told about me, and a few girls just nagging me. These things do not sit well with me. Unfortunately it’s made me more of a pessimist regarding remarriage.

I often think back to when Rebecca and I started dating and got married. I had no idea what the hell I was doing!!! We were just a couple of kids (21 years old) going to college in Hawaii. What a perfect place to fall in love!! We had no pressures from friends or families. Every night I would walk her to her house on Laie Point and we would spend hours visiting. Every day we were snorkeling in Hanauma Bay or Turtle Bay, hiking Laie Falls, going to the Dole plantation, surfing, cycling, skateboarding, walking out to Goat’s Island, eating at the Seasider or just enjoying the beauty of Hawaii. Every day was a perfect day in paradise. It was THE PERFECT PLACE to fall in love!! When I proposed to Rebecca I knew with absolute clarity that she was the girl I wanted. I know I am painting a reasonably good picture of what a fantastic courtship we had but words really don’t do it justice. It was perfect!!

With that image in mind, oh how different things are now. Now I’m faced with innumerable concerns. The naivety of my first marriage is behind me and I am faced with uncertainty. I know before I met Rebecca the prospect of marriage concerned me. I mean I came from a broken family myself. My parents were divorced when I was 7 and I was raised by a single father. I wasn’t all that secure or knowledgeable in what marriage should be like. However when I met Rebecca and as we grew closer all those concerns, doubts and worries seemed to melt away as if they never existed. That is the hope that I cling to now. That someday I will be able to meet someone who can put my mind at ease so that all of these concerns melt away, just like they did the first time.