Clueless

Yesterday I went in for my knee surgery. The nurse was asking me how long it had been since my wife passed. I told her it has been 2 years now. She asked me, “Is that still hard for you?” My thought was, “This person probably doesn’t have a clue what real loss is like.” I wasn’t upset by the question. The truth is that prior to Rebecca’s death I didn’t have a clue what real loss was like either. I suppose I’d just never thought about it.

I joined a couple of widow groups through facebook about 3-4 months after Rebecca’s death. I think I was just going mad by the deafening silence that seemed to ring throughout my house. As part of one of these groups there was a section for people who were in different parts of their grief. There is a section for 0-6 months, 6-12 months, the second year, and finally beyond the second year. I absolutely hated transitioning from the 1st to the 2nd group. Then again from the 2nd to 3rd group. I think this was in large part due to the fact that I felt like people were subconsciously thinking that I was getting over Rebecca’s death. Certainly there are new difficulties and challenges in transitioning from one group to the next. Each time period seemed to carry its own set challenges. Now that I am in the final group it seems that this is the stage where you are supposed to move on. I have dealt with a lot of the grief. I have helped the kids deal with a lot of their grief. I think for the most part we are in the acceptance stage and now it is time to move forward.

Moving forward, what does that mean? Does that mean I’ll somehow no longer be saddened by the loss of Rebecca? Does that mean my kids are ‘over’ the loss of their mother? Of course not. I think for me it just means picking up the pieces of my broken heart and trying to invite happiness back into our home. Not that I’ve been trying to exclude happiness as part of our home but at times I feel a sense of guilt in being happy.

The other day I was at the eye doctor having my glasses fitted (as if I’ll ever wear my glasses). The lady that was helping me was telling how she and her husband were getting ready to go to Hawaii the following week. Of course I volunteered how much I love Hawaii and how that was where Rebecca and I fell in love. She asked a few questions about how long I’d been married. I explained that Becca passed away 2 weeks before our 9 year anniversary. She asked a few questions about Rebecca's death. By this time a few other ladies who were standing close by started listening in on the conversation. I suppose I was just in a good mood that day but I was actually able to talk about it without crying. Before the conversation ended the lady who was originally helping me said, “Well, you seem to be doing really well and like a happy person.” I just smiled and walked away. Inside I wanted to cry. I felt as if I was disrespecting Rebecca by not weeping for her. I wanted to say, “NO!! I feel terrible inside.” I didn’t know what to say. However I did feel guilty like somehow I was saying that I was alright with her death. I believe herein lies the difficulty of transitioning to the acceptance stage of grief.