Piano

I have this picture that I’ve always loved. It is a picture of Becca sitting on my lap while I played the piano. It was taken at her house in Laie, HI. I suppose I like it so much because it reminds me how Rebecca used to thoroughly enjoy listening to me play. She would sing and I would play. We could go on for a while. I mostly play classical music and don’t really enjoy playing for people to sing with. For me, it is just much more enjoyable to play Chopin rather than pounding along to a church hymn for people to sing along to.

When I proposed to Rebecca I wanted to be creative and do something out of the ordinary. I had three ideas originally. My first was to take her snorkeling and let her find the ring. Then have in permanent marker on my chest, “Will You Marry Me?” I was a little unsure about how to get away with slipping in the water without her seeing my chest first. Then there was the factor of the ring. Certainly I wouldn’t leave it in the ocean. So I’d have to have it in my pocket and then pull it out at the last minute. Rebecca wasn’t a very good swimmer so I decided against this option.

I don’t remember the 2nd idea but I’m sure it was very creative and fun. It was the 3rd option that I went with. This idea was to send her on a scavenger hunt all around Laie. We had a class together at BYU. The plan was to fake being sick and leave class early. I had given the professor a note to give to her when class was over. When class was over, she read the note and the hunt was on. Becca loved surprises! I had our friend Mandy stay with her so that she wouldn’t get too far off track. According to Mandi, Becca was running like crazy trying to get to the next clue and decode the puzzle. I don’t remember all the places I sent her. I do remember the first one was at the Seasider on the BYU campus. I sent her to 3-4 places around the campus. Then it was to the Laie LDS temple for a few more clues. After that I had sent her to her house on Laie Point at the end of Naupaka St. I had a few clues around her house.

I don’t really remember what most of the clues were but I do remember the last two. The first of the last clues was, “Look to the 88 keys of my heart for your next clue.” Of course she went right to the piano. The final clue was. “Please come take this very high, final leap of faith with me. We’ve made this jump many times together but this time you will have to do it alone. There you will find your final clue.” This of course meant that she was to jump off of Laie Point by herself. This is about a 40’ jump into the choppy ocean. Becca was not a strong swimmer and later told me that it was very hard to make the jump because she was so scared. When we had done it in the past there was always a large group of people. This time she was all alone. I don’t think she would have normally done it but the excitement of what was to come out-weighed her normal logic and reasoning. So she took the plunge. When she landed I had been sitting in a cavern underneath the cliff that she had just jumped off of. So prior to jumping she couldn’t see me. However once she landed and resurfaced she could see me standing there in the cavern. I was wearing white pants and a Hawaiian shirt. I helped her out of the water. I waited a few seconds for her to catch her breath and then I proposed to her. So of course she was already out of breath from swimming, she starts chocking on the water and she starts crying. But then she replies, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” (I knew she’d see things my way).



Why do I bring up how I proposed to Rebecca? Among the many clues that I scattered across town I tried to incorporate things that were specific and unique to our courtship. I don’t know why my piano playing was so significant to our courtship but Becca and I both have fond memories around that instrument. I thought it was especially significant that that was the second to last clue. Then finally doing something totally wild and crazy that she wouldn’t do for just anybody was also significant. (Marriage to me wouldn’t be anything else).

Besides our apartment living phase, we pretty much had a piano throughout our marriage. I think it was a symbol, to Becca especially, that we were a family. I remember sitting around the piano in our previous house. We had obtained guardianship of Rebecca’s sister, Lela. The twins were about a year old and Elijah was about 4 years old. I had sat down and started playing some Christmas Carrols. The whole family migrated toward me and eventually we were all singing together. It was a moment of such happiness. Later Rebecca cried and said, “We are a family.” Sort of funny that it was only after 5 years of marriage that she really felt that. I mean I know she felt that before. I just think that in that small moment it was a glimpse into the future of what she’d always hoped for. Thinking back to the first apartment we were in, used furniture, old beat up cars. We were very happy but that’s not really every girl’s fantasy. However over time you build and create the family that you desire. I think it was just being in our first house, the kids were happy, she and I were happy, it was a subtle moment but that moment seemed to speak volumes regarding how far we’d come along.

As I said before, I don’t particularly enjoy playing for people to sing along to. Rebecca and our children are just about the only one’s I’d do it for. It was sort of strange but after Rebecca passed away I quit playing the piano. I would sit down. Read the note. Touch the keys (no sound). But I never played. When Rebecca died she just took so much of me with her and I felt like that part of me was gone too. It was as if I was just afraid to feel what I feel when I play the piano.

It was roughly a year after Rebecca’s death that I finally decided I felt okay to play the piano again. I would play for short periods but would quickly lose interest. The passion was gone. It just felt dull and void. There was no longer anyone to encourage me and frankly I was just bored of it.

Typically I would start to play after the children had gone to bed. I didn’t particularly like playing while they were awake because they always wanted to come and bang on the keys while I was playing. They would harass me about insignificant things so I found that in the evenings after they were in bed was the best time to practice.

Despite my lack of not ‘feeling it’ I would push myself to play anyway. It wasn’t until maybe 2-3 months after I started playing again that I sort of took a break for a week or so. That was when Elijah said to me, “Dad, why haven’t you been playing the piano anymore?” I smiled and said, “Oh, I didn’t know you guys noticed.” He replied, “Oh yeah, I love it when you play. It makes me so happy and I love listening to it as I fall asleep.” So I decided, hey, it’s time to get serious about this piano business again. I suppose now my children will be my audience.

On Monday this week I had put the kids to bed and immediately came out to start playing. I was just in the mood to play something different so I started playing patriotic hymns. While I was playing America the Beautiful my little Rachel slipped out and came to sit on my lap. She said, “Dad, I know this song.” She then started to sing along. Eventually Lauren slipped out to tattle that her sister was out of her bed. I told Lauren that it was okay, Rachel and I were just playing and singing together. I think Lauren thought, “If Rachel gets to get out of bed to sing. I will too.” Before long all three of my kids were standing around singing while I played. It felt so happy. It just felt like for a small moment that even though Rebecca was gone we were happy again. I just felt at peace and that everything we were doing was right where we should be.

Another Anniversary

Yep. Oct 14th 2000 is mine and Rebecca’s wedding anniversary. I never know what to do on these days. To me these days don’t feel like something I want to celebrate or lament or…anything really. However no matter how hard I try to ignore the fact that today is another significant day in mine and Rebecca’s history it always seems to surface to the forefront of my mind one way or another.

Yesterday I was writing a check for my daughter’s field trip and when I looked at the date I saw, October 13th. I thought, “Oh great, tomorrow is my anniversary.” Should I take flowers to her grave? How about I take a couple of days and head to Hawaii? Sounds good to me. Like I’ve said before I think the best thing for people to do when they are grieving is to do whatever comes natural (as long as it is safe and legal). Last year would have been mine and Becca’s 10 year anniversary. I had to work. After work I went and laid down next to her grave and had a long conversation with her. I took flowers and just enjoyed a long quiet conversation. It was actually really nice being at the cemetery late at night with no one around. It allowed me to speak openly—something I typically don’t do.

This reminds me. I’m not too much of a ritualistic type person. I like to go with what feels natural and right at the time. Going to Rebecca’s grave throughout the first year was nice. At times I could feel her close to me. Then as the second year approached I felt less of a desire to be there. I mean, I just don’t ‘feel’ her there anymore. I feel much closer to her when I am doing things to help our children—and quite frankly I think my being with our kids is exactly where she would want me to be.

One of the last times I was in the cemetery a scripture started playing in my mind. It doesn’t totally fit but I do believe it is appropriate. The scripture that comes to mind is one that is found in Luke 24:5. This is after Jesus had been crucified and was placed in the tomb. Saturday was the Sabbath and Sunday was the first chance that Mary Magdalene had to go and see the Savior’s tomb. When she arrived the guards were gone and the tomb was opened. When she looked in she began to weep. There were two men who asked her, “…why seek ye the living among the dead?” In this particular case Jesus was actually resurrected. His body and spirit had been reunited. As far as Rebecca goes, obviously her body will remain in the ground until the morning of the first resurrection. However her spirit dwells somewhere else.

Now it wasn’t my intent to go into any kind of deep theology. However I will say that it is because of my belief and I don’t really feel a great desire to continue going to the cemetery regularly. I feel close to Rebecca by going through pictures, reading her journal, sharing stories about her, smelling her perfume, going to places that she would like to have gone, working on our family biography. In fact today I will attend the temple in the morning. I’ll work on our family biography. Then tonight I will take the kids to Rebecca’s absolute favorite ice cream store. That to me sounds far more fulfilling and like a much better way of inviting Rebecca’s spirit into our home rather than taking a lawn chair to the cemetery.

People grieve in different ways. People may look at my method of dealing with my anniversary and think I’m a little loony. That’s okay. They can deal or not deal with their grief in any way they choose. This is just what feels right to me.

Clueless

Yesterday I went in for my knee surgery. The nurse was asking me how long it had been since my wife passed. I told her it has been 2 years now. She asked me, “Is that still hard for you?” My thought was, “This person probably doesn’t have a clue what real loss is like.” I wasn’t upset by the question. The truth is that prior to Rebecca’s death I didn’t have a clue what real loss was like either. I suppose I’d just never thought about it.

I joined a couple of widow groups through facebook about 3-4 months after Rebecca’s death. I think I was just going mad by the deafening silence that seemed to ring throughout my house. As part of one of these groups there was a section for people who were in different parts of their grief. There is a section for 0-6 months, 6-12 months, the second year, and finally beyond the second year. I absolutely hated transitioning from the 1st to the 2nd group. Then again from the 2nd to 3rd group. I think this was in large part due to the fact that I felt like people were subconsciously thinking that I was getting over Rebecca’s death. Certainly there are new difficulties and challenges in transitioning from one group to the next. Each time period seemed to carry its own set challenges. Now that I am in the final group it seems that this is the stage where you are supposed to move on. I have dealt with a lot of the grief. I have helped the kids deal with a lot of their grief. I think for the most part we are in the acceptance stage and now it is time to move forward.

Moving forward, what does that mean? Does that mean I’ll somehow no longer be saddened by the loss of Rebecca? Does that mean my kids are ‘over’ the loss of their mother? Of course not. I think for me it just means picking up the pieces of my broken heart and trying to invite happiness back into our home. Not that I’ve been trying to exclude happiness as part of our home but at times I feel a sense of guilt in being happy.

The other day I was at the eye doctor having my glasses fitted (as if I’ll ever wear my glasses). The lady that was helping me was telling how she and her husband were getting ready to go to Hawaii the following week. Of course I volunteered how much I love Hawaii and how that was where Rebecca and I fell in love. She asked a few questions about how long I’d been married. I explained that Becca passed away 2 weeks before our 9 year anniversary. She asked a few questions about Rebecca's death. By this time a few other ladies who were standing close by started listening in on the conversation. I suppose I was just in a good mood that day but I was actually able to talk about it without crying. Before the conversation ended the lady who was originally helping me said, “Well, you seem to be doing really well and like a happy person.” I just smiled and walked away. Inside I wanted to cry. I felt as if I was disrespecting Rebecca by not weeping for her. I wanted to say, “NO!! I feel terrible inside.” I didn’t know what to say. However I did feel guilty like somehow I was saying that I was alright with her death. I believe herein lies the difficulty of transitioning to the acceptance stage of grief.