How long shall I grieve?

On Saturday I was traveling home from Exeter with the kids. Elijah turned to me and said, “Dad, I’m on Easter ‘vacation.’ It’s not a real vacation if I have to go to church!!” I chuckled at the implication of his statement. However it invited a prime opportunity to explain the real meaning of Easter and how it has nothing to do with Easter bunnies, eggs or any of the other commercialization and garbage that surrounds this holiday. Easter is about the resurrection of Jesus. Because Jesus died and was resurrected, each of us has the opportunity to see our loved ones who’ve pass away, people like our mother. Elijah could see where this conversation was going and he wanted no part of it. He put up his hand as if to silence me. He knew he wasn’t going to get out of going to church on Sunday, so to him the conversation was over.

The car fell silent for a few moments. The girls were just in a daze watching the cars drift by. Elijah had put his head down to take a nap. He was only resting for a few minutes when he suddenly jerked awake. He started sobbing uncontrollably. I asked him what the matter was. He took a deep breath and said, “It’s okay dad. I was just having a flashback.” Interesting to note that I’ve never heard him use the word ‘flashback’ before. Anyhow, I encouraged him to explain what the flashback was. He said he could so clearly remember his last conversation with his mom. Then me coming to pick him up from school to tell him that his mom was dead. Then the memory of the funeral; standing next to Rebecca’s coffin and seeing her dead. He remembers the note he placed inside her casket. He was seeing me close Rebecca’s coffin. Then having our friends carry her body away, taking her to the chapel and then to the hearse. At the cemetery he remembered watching her body being lowered into the ground.

My baby boy just cried and cried. There were so many things I wanted to say but I could do nothing but hold him. What else does one do in that moment? I mean all the logic and reasoning is thrown out the window in those very vulnerable moments. As many of you know, prior to Rebecca passing I had never lost anyone close to me. All of this grieving is so new to me. How do I grieve? How long do I grieve? Are these thoughts normal (most of the time for being widowed, they are)?

It’s been 18 months now since my sweetheart was taken from this earthly life. The sense of complete loss is sometimes too overwhelming. I think when I was early widowed I kind of had a timeline of how long I would grieve. I thought for sure that once I hit the year mark my grief would have tapered off and my heart would somehow be healed. Well, I’ve learned that there likely won’t be a complete healing of my heart in reference to Rebecca, at least not in this life. For now I just learn to manage my pain.