Another day

I just started this blog. I think part of my intent in opening my life up to the web with the possibility of other people seeing it was to share some the comic relief in this ongoing tragedy called life. Thus far I have only found myself wanting to share the difficulties of being a widower and talk about Rebecca. Perhaps this is my subconscious wanting to burst out. A very good friend of mine called me a 'silent sufferer' the other day. This thought was reiterated by my own doctor when he called me one of his more difficult patients. He said, "The problem isn't that you complain too much. In fact you complain too little." He continued, "I know that you are hurting inside; sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. The problem is that you won't tell me how you are truly feeling unless the pain is well beyond what the average person can withstand." That may be true. I don't know. I just think that people tire of hearing me. It makes them uncomfortable when I continually bring up "my wife." I just can't help it.

The other day I was visiting with a friend while at physical therapy. She was telling me what it was like for her when her husband died when she was only 25 years old. She told me that she still (18 years later) struggles with what to call her first husband. Do you refer to them as "my late husband", "my first husband", "my baby's daddy"? What's the right answer? Personally, I feel that if I say anything other than referring to Rebecca as my wife I need to qualify the statement. There is just this insatiable need to make sure that people don’t think that I'm a divorcee or that she was some deadbeat wife. The whole prospect is insane! I'm certain that nobody other than me really cares how I label Rebecca. To me though, nothing could be more important.

Regarding this blog, I’m hoping that perhaps once I unload some of the grief that I feel regarding my sweetheart I can turn this into a funny blog to read. There are plenty of things that I hear and see as a UPS driver. The problem that I face right now is that I still feel so much anguish inside that it is hard for me to focus on anything else. My hope is that this blog can help me move past that.