My Prayers

Prior to Rebecca’s death she and I were pretty ambitious people. We had a number of goals that we wanted to achieve. Rebecca had begun the school psychology program at Fresno Pacific. I had been working toward being accepted into the Wharton School of Business, the top Executive MBA program in the country. It’s a pretty big deal to get into this program. Their average graduate gets a job offer between $175-325k per year upon graduation. It’s not that I am a super genius that would get me into this program but rather a combination of my college GPA, work history, test scores and there were a few other criteria that I happened to meet. In retrospect these goals were likely for our (or my) own self gratification and aggrandizement. To say that Rebecca’s death caused a total paradigm shift for me would truly be an understatement.

I used to despise working for UPS. I think I just felt like because I was a commercial pilot and flight instructor. I have or was working toward a Bachelor’s degree. I felt like I had much more to offer life than spending my days wrestling around with some dusty old boxes, breaking my back in a beat up old truck—this is not how I envisioned my life. However as time has progressed since the death of my sweetheart I have learned a great deal about myself, who I am and what I want in this life.

As I think most men do, I believe I was trying to find my own identity through my career. I found myself wanting and craving to achieve certain goals in life as if this would somehow say that I, Jared Leonard, was here and I mattered. I believe that it was Maslow, in his theory of hierarchy, that called this status people are looking for self-actualization; or in layman’s terms, the need to build a legacy. Some people seek to find their identity or “center” through their work or their spouse’s work. Some find it through their church by jockeying for positions, status and recognition. Others may try to find their identity through the money they have, the house they have, the cars they drive, people they associate with, etc.

This time that I’ve had since Rebecca passed away has truly been a time for introspection and self inventory. I’ve tried to examine the deepest, the most core points of my beliefs. I’ve had to ask myself if the ladders of success that I had been trying to build were even leaned against the right wall. Are these ladders of ‘success’ going to take me and my children to the place that I most inwardly desire to be? Where do I want myself and my children to be?

I think most everyone would say that they want happiness for themselves and their children. Yet they do things that contradict that very prospect. I think this was what I did while I was married. I felt like I needed to achieve all of these….things, in order for Rebecca to love me or to feel like my children would love me. I wanted to create this legacy for my posterity to be able to look back upon and say, “Hey my dad (or grand dad) was.. [insert something important here].” This was me. This is what I thought I needed. Rebecca was an ambitious person too. She wanted me to be successful and for me to achieve the things I desired. However the difference in our perspectives was that she didn’t define me or equate her love for me by what I did for a living, by the things I accomplished or any status I may have achieved. Her love for me was absolute. She told me repeatedly that she didn’t care what I did for a living. The problem was that I did. I felt like I had to be somebody in order to mater or to qualify for her love when the reality was that I had already achieved it.

Herein lies one of my deepest regrets regarding my relationship with Rebecca. I wish that I had of slowed down and not stressed so much about finances or achieving….whatever. I wish that I had of listened to Rebecca and accepted the fact that I don’t have to be defined by what I do or how I appear. To me it is nothing short of the utmost tragedy that I didn’t learn this lesson until after she was gone. I hope to be able to apologize to her someday and express my deep regret for not listening to her wise counsel. For now I just try to live and raise my children in a way that would be pleasing to her and in a way that an all knowing, all loving Heavenly Father would be pleased with as well.

One last thought that I want to share before I close this entry. When talking to my fellow widowed friends, just when I think that I have heard the most sad, most tragic story, someone else seems to share something that makes me think, “Gosh I’m glad I don’t have things as bad as that person.” There is another grave marker just a few steps away from Rebecca’s grave. I had seen the man come and bring his lawn chair on holidays and anniversaries. After seeing him several times I decided to go talk to him. I asked him who he was visiting. He told me it was his wife and only child, a daughter. He went on to explain how just a few days after his daughter’s 16th birthday she had gotten her license. His wife and daughter had gone for a drive down the freeway. While driving the daughter lost control of the car killing both his wife and only child. He told me “I lost everything (that mattered) that day.”

Each day when I pray, I truly pray that my children come home safe to me. I did this before but I think that was what the scriptures called ‘vain repetition.” Each day I try to savor the time that God grants me with these precious children that I have in my care. Each day I try to remind them how much I love them and how important they are to me. Unfortunately for us we have learned that in a few short moments a life can be blotted out and so we must savor the time that we have today.